got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
