remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
