Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
