my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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