I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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