I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
