I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
