I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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