you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize