You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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