The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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