you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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