zippers are such a cool invention
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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