i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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