You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
