New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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