he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
