How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Randomize
