I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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