if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
