I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
