I didn't shave. On purpose
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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