By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
