I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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