I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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