i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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