Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
