Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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