Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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