I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
