sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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