I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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