grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
