mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
