I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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