If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
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