Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
