either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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