I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
