you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
