if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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