When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
