I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
