my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
