When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
