While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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