I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
