I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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