i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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