Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
