see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
