you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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