Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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