mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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