I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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