I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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